Okay-ish!

I feel fine today. I feel better than I have felt in a couple of days. I woke up in the morning thinking my day would go boring and ruthless just like it always does. But something got into me, I guess. May be it is music. I started listening to "good" music just after getting out of the bed. Then music followed with a novel. So everything is in peace. Oh yeah, I even solved  question paper in which my mark was decent. Each time I solve a paper, I realise how much behind I am. That is when I take up my studies seriously. I should start solving more papers. It does wonders on me.

About my emotional stability? Well, coincidentally my close friend is also going through a you-broke-my-trust period. Not being a sadist but it really helps. I think that is what it is about. A person to cling to. I mostly avoid thinking about him. I have come to realise that I have effortlessly wasted 3 and half precious years of my life on him. I cannot waste any more. He did text me. I did reply. It is crazy how smoothly he pushes away the whole situation. Anyway, so I guess my life is okay. I just hope to walk away from this emotional trauma once for all.

The best thing about this year is I will get to travel. I have my examination centers all around south India. So I can travel without my parents complaining about how irresponsible I am. I want to the tick of the clock to move really fast. I want to get out of this place and start my new phase with no pain. And for that, I need to take in the ink of paper, thoroughly.

The big step!

It just seems like a long long time. I feel a lot has changed. Beginning from the start, I have caught cold and there is a big story behind it. Life just throws you back so hard at times that you finally end up having cold. So my cold is the result of crying my heart's out. I did something that I never would have dreamt of doing. But I really did.

Why is it that I become all philosophical every time I am sad? May be the great philosopher's would have been a sad soul, I believe. Anyway, not to wander in thoughts, I told him that I don't really feel happy with him anymore. That is true. No matter how much I try, it just doesn't happen. He looks like dappled past wrecking my present. I am not to be blamed here. I really did try my best to work this relation. I tried everything and anything. But it only got worse. Every time I am with him, I come a shade closer to understanding that he is the last person on this planet who could make me happy. I might sound really bitchy, for the people who don't know me personally. But trust me, I tried putting with him for three long years. I really did try. Not that I don't love him. I do. I mean that is going to be. But there a stronger feeling against my love erupting for him.

I really start questioning what really went wrong. It gets really hard to know the answer but still ignore it. So, I genuinely feel that he has never loved me. In fact, he has never loved anyone in his entire life. He is so self consumed and egoistic. I don't say that makes him a bad person, but it sure makes him a very pathetic boyfriend. Now when I am writing, I feel a rage moving across my heart. So then, why on Earth was I with him for so long? I have no idea. I will never do. May be I was too afraid to embrace the transformation.

He never take me seriously. Never have and never will. I am waiting for another 5 months. Once I get into a really god college, the first thing I am going to do is to erect an statue on my name. I really deserve it. I does not feel good to write this blog post. I was the same girl who was head over heels in love with him. Now I just have hatred. Just rage and more rage!

The butterfly effect!

I wake up very late and all I hear is your parents ranting about how lazy I am. Somehow it doesn't seem to bother me anymore. I have been hearing the same old dialogue for 18 years now and my body has become numb to it. Walking in slumber, I switch on my laptop and log in to Facebook. I have no clue why it is the first thing I do in the morning. May be I do know but that is not important now. So I check my notifications and then copy paste a poem that I stumbled upon yesterday. I think everything is known. I get likes, comments  as usual. But today something really happened. I got a comment from someone who I deeply adore. My favourite writer and my favourite person.

I haven't really followed anyone particularly or been a fan of anyone for a long time. I have liked a few. But that's just normal. As the days go by, my interest fades off too. But this writer is someone who I deeply like even before reading his work. I remember my friend calling me up late at night a year back, around the same time. He called up to tell me about this new writer who is making waves. I started getting intrigued hearing his struggles and his deep profound love towards writing. If someone asks me what really attracts me in a male, without giving a second thought I would tell it is his love towards anything. So since then I have been following this writer, online. Strange thing I haven't ever spoken to him despite having him as a friend in Facebook. May be that is how it is. You never gather courage to open your mouth for someone who you have enormous amount of respect. Considering the fact that I am a jabber mouth, it is strange that I haven't spoken to him, yet. I am not sure I would ever gather courage to speak to him.

But that is not the story! When he commented, I felt like someone has induced 1000Mhz of current into my skin. I was a popular girl in my school and was in a relationship from the very beginning. So the only people I fell for were stars. And that changed with every movie. I haven't really felt this butterfly effect more often. Today I just felt so good. I re read the same comment a 100 times at least and I am proud of it. I think every girl has the right to enjoy these pleasurable moments in life. Today is my time!

A suitable groom!

After a long long time I met my oldest friend. There is a thing about this girl and that is I can confide completely in her. We have been friends for 6 whole years now and she probably is the only person who knows me cell by cell. So it obviously was a bliss meeting her!

She and I every time we spoke, it was a about each other's problems or just rants about issues. So when she showed up all of a sudden I was more than sure that something is cooking in her life which she is not very comfortable about. After a long lengthy conversation she asked me if her present guy is appropriate for me, you know for future, It was strange because we haven't spoken about anything like that before. Then she told me that after may be 3 years her mom is planning to get her married. I was flabbergasted initially. I have known this girl since childhood and where did all this marriage come from? On asking further, she made it very clear to me that she will not be marrying her current boy friend because he is not an appropriate match, according to her family and she wants someone "well" settled.

I don't really understand the whole concept of a suitable groom. According to me, marriage is a commitment you give to your partner with whom you are in love. Our thoughts have always matched, we have had a similar point of view. So this sudden conviction startled me. I obviously don't blame her. It is her own choice of selecting life. But my parents expect the same thinking to somehow generate into me.

I am a free thinking and presently dependent on my family. So I cannot argue much. But I shall never get married too someone just because he is well settled. Talking about financial security, as a matter of fact I know it is very important. If I were a parent, I would tell my daughter to make herself so much capable to not be dependent on her "well" settled groom. This whole idea of enduring a stranger for having a secure future sickens me. How can people dispose themselves without love?

Anyway, this whole conversation reminded me of the scene in the book "Pride and prejudice" where Lissy's friend tells her about her engagement. Well, in that case I can only hope for my Darcy to come up, even with his little fortune would do! ;)

Pre-meeting blues!

So it's true. The excitement does not let you sleep no matter how much lazy a person you are. Keeping in mind how lethargic I am, I should have been sleeping by now. But in contrast I am wide awake, like a night watchman lurking around the building. Staying up all night has never been a problem but, the reasons then were different and now, it is completely different.

I am going to meet someone who I dearly admire. I admire him for his simplicity and dedication towards his work. It is not love or some kind of teenage crush. It is an emotion that comes out of admiration. Being an absolute extrovert it should not be a big problem. But somehow I feel nervous. Somewhere deep below my heart I feel I might screw up our first meeting. What if he finds me dumb? What if I have nothing to talk about? What if our thoughts conflict? All of these "what ifs" seem to have sucked my sleep off, leaving my head cluttered with negativity and absurd questions.

It is almost time and I know in a couple of minutes I am going to start getting ready. I must confess, a part of me enjoys this feeling. Being outspoken, head straight all through these many years I have lost my feminism somewhere far behind. It is only in situations like this, I feel like a girl, actually. There is a sweet, shy, nervous little girl hidden deep inside every woman who reacts in delicate situations like this. Hope my day goes well! Fingers crossed. :)

Self loathing!

I can write pages on my life. Is it just I or everyone else feel the same? Somehow my life seems to have broken down into tiny particles of monochrome craving for light. So it was his birthday and I had to be there, obviously! I was there and I should agree that I was excited as well. I wanted him to get surprised and most of all, I owed him this piece of surprise. Hence I was waiting for him to show up. But when has anything happened according to my plan. He did finally show up, at half past 12. By then I guess half of my anxiousness had turned into to rage waiting to lash out. So when he finally came, everything went like it has to go. He cut his cake, searched for the gift, we clicked pictures and then, I just came back, silently.

The point is I shouldn't have come back. I should have stayed there for more time but somehow I don't know what pulled me back, I just walked out of his apartment with a heavy heart. Why is it so complicated? Why was not I able to put forth the same feelings and emotions that I thought I would. Is it his erratic behavior towards everything or is it me, who is way too moody? I think it sure is me. I ruined it, very effectively. Why can'y I just accept the reality and just let it be? Why do I have to introspect everything so deeply that I myself end up getting hurt.

Life gets really burdening at times. In my case, most of the times. Or may be I expect more from people and I try to see the same emotions and feelings in others. That is a wrong thing and I blame myself for that. But why can't I just be happy and let the moment pass???? 

Acceptance!

It is the beginning of a fresh and new year and I must say this was the best new year I have had so far. It was all so unexpected and unplanned. But that is what makes things more enjoyable too. So, no complaints. Now that I am in my senses and can differentiate between cats and dogs, I realise what helluva day it was. The best moments of the life turns out to be those time that you spend with your loved ones.

It is a strange feeling I am experiencing right now. I had so much at that particular time and now after hours I do not feel so good about it. I wonder why am so unstable? Is it my age which is to be blamed or my nature. I cannot stay happy for a long time, no matter how much hard I push I end up feeling sad. When I discuss about this with my family, they think I read too much of novels and this behavior is the effective outcome of it. But scanning through my childhood, when I was not well acquainted to books I had the same temperament.

So every time I am sad, I do things that makes me happy. But then at times I have been betrayed of even that. It just feels like I am paralyzed. I guess I should learn to live with this rather  than ranting. Yes, that I think is the only way out. Acceptance! 

Instability!

At times in my life I feel so bad, so lost, so cold and so dead. I see nothing other than sadness and hopeless desolation every where I turn. Is this bad? It is worse. When my face flusters in rage and eyes singing its own elegy and when mind refuses to think but mouth vomits everything necessary and unnecessary, that is when I realise my life begins. Amidst all this confused and mixed feelings I find myself fit in quietly.

So this happens to me more than often and obviously I hate the feeling. Initially I thought it is just one another mood swing and will pass with time. But it did not pass It clung to me, like a new born. Every day I wake up with this hopelessness. I hate this fluctuating mood sets. When nothing is predictable and permanent in life, I think I have the liberty to expect stability from my mood.