Self loathing!

I can write pages on my life. Is it just I or everyone else feel the same? Somehow my life seems to have broken down into tiny particles of monochrome craving for light. So it was his birthday and I had to be there, obviously! I was there and I should agree that I was excited as well. I wanted him to get surprised and most of all, I owed him this piece of surprise. Hence I was waiting for him to show up. But when has anything happened according to my plan. He did finally show up, at half past 12. By then I guess half of my anxiousness had turned into to rage waiting to lash out. So when he finally came, everything went like it has to go. He cut his cake, searched for the gift, we clicked pictures and then, I just came back, silently.

The point is I shouldn't have come back. I should have stayed there for more time but somehow I don't know what pulled me back, I just walked out of his apartment with a heavy heart. Why is it so complicated? Why was not I able to put forth the same feelings and emotions that I thought I would. Is it his erratic behavior towards everything or is it me, who is way too moody? I think it sure is me. I ruined it, very effectively. Why can'y I just accept the reality and just let it be? Why do I have to introspect everything so deeply that I myself end up getting hurt.

Life gets really burdening at times. In my case, most of the times. Or may be I expect more from people and I try to see the same emotions and feelings in others. That is a wrong thing and I blame myself for that. But why can't I just be happy and let the moment pass????